But I Do Love You

Samuel,

I love you. Forever and ever. I might flirt, I might not deserve you some days, but I do love you. I pinky swear, I promise on my life.

No matter how much I flirt with guys, no matter how much they flirt back, you mean the world to me.

Okay honey? (:

Perfect Day

You know, today was an amazing day. I wish I could have seen more of Sam, but oh well. I still had fun in Derby. I got to see Mallory, and spend time with a few of my favorite people. French Two kids are just amazing like that!

There are some things I'd like to say to a specific person that I'm not happy with, and haven't been happy with since July. But that's for another day. I'm in too much of a good mood to let it get to me.

"Now don't you try to rain on my perfect day."

Anyway, back to Derby. We ate and sang, made friends with the Derby kids. They didn't try to poison us, nor did they make fun of us and the songs. They really wanted to learn them, and the dance too. I liked it, a lot. I want it to happen next year too!

I enjoyed being with the people from both French classes today too. I miss Skylar tons! Hanging out with Brigham was fun too though. We laughed a lot, and Devon accused us of flirting. I flirt with everyone, not necessarily meaning to. I mean, I held hands with Devon a couple times. It's Devon though, he's like my gay best friend who isn't actually gay. I love him some days, and want to smack him others. But oh well!

Sam was going to come over tonight to hang out, but his mom said no. And I'm really quite sad about that... I haven't seen him all weekend, and I missed him. We've been so much better lately, no fighting. At all. And I freaking love it.

I'll post again soon, maybe a new poem if you all are lucky!

I Need.

Raindrops coming down for days it seems,

I'm no longer awake.

Lost in my dreams,

I think of the choices I have had to make.

Hues of blues and grays,

and dreary city streets.

I write every day,

until my words seem to repeat.

But I need the comfort sometimes,

I need the words.

I need the certainty of rhyming lines,

and I need to be heard.

It's a tad bit scattered, and needs a little revision. But it isn't bad for off the top of my head.

Not My Friend.

Okay, you always used to say that Mercedes and I were equal. That we mattered the same amount to you.

But have you noticed that whenever you talk about your hurt feelings, it's always ME that "stole" her from you. I never meant shit to you, and you know it. You've known it since all this started last July.

It's wasn't ever about losing your two best friends. It was about losing your one best friend, Mercedes. Never about me. I just can't believe that you're such a jerk that you feel the need to make me the bad guy in all of this. YOU were the reason we started hanging out more and more. It was YOUR choice not to go to Greensburg, but you convinced her to go. So we got close.

Grow up and deal with it.

I know it's immature to post this, to talk trash on the internet, but it's the best way. I'd probably punch you if we talked about this face to face. You just piss me off SO much these days. And it isn't fair that you're over there whining about it, making me out to be the jerk that ruined your friendship with her. Look at the situation again honey, and you'll see it WAS ALL YOU.

Who I Am.

"Sometimes, I'm clueless and I'm clumsy.

But I've got friends that love me."

You know, the past couple of days have been wonderful. I can't stop smiling. Something about me has changed lately, something that makes me think I'm pretty and worth it. And I feel like a good friend. Maybe it's the fact that I've started writing again, letting my emotions out on the paper in a meaningful way. The poems aren't all good, no, but they're mine. They're ALL mine.

The picture is from last night, when I was about to go to bed. I think I look pretty good for being in a guy's v-neck and shorts. I look... Like I'm happy. And I am. More so than I've been in a while.

School is out soonish, a little over a month left! I can't wait for it. I can't wait to hang out with Mercedes for days and days. And I can't wait to spend some more time with Sam (this never changes, but that isn't the point here). Cody, the boys, and Caty. Hannah, the softball girls from Conway Springs, and maybe even Brigham a couple times. (:

Who knows what'll happen! (: The possibilities are endless for me right now. And I like them that way.

P.S. - I took my ACT today. I think it went well! (:

The Way You Love Me

I've been in a really good mood the past couple of days. No fighting with you, no hurt feelings or tears. And it's wonderful.

Plus, the weather has been pretty. I've missed the sun a lot... It just makes me feel so much better, so much prettier. Lately, I've been thinking of myself in a much different light. I'm beginning to change little by little, and for the better. My attitude is much better, which makes me feel like a thoughtful, pretty girl.

I'm loving this. (:

Follow You Down

"Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down."

You know, love can do some odd things to you. It can cause you to lose some insight, some perspective. But you can also gain some those things too. Seeing clearly isn't an easy thing to do.

Love isn't the reason I'm writing tonight though. I'm writing about my friends. I have so many that matter to me that it scares me. I'm afraid that I'll lose them, especially Mercedes. I have a problem with keeping my female friends for some reason.

Everyone has been acting oddly lately.

Tyler flirting with Cedes, but never admitting that he likes her.

Calvin being more of an ass than usual, for no reason.

Me and Sam fighting a lot.

And making new friends that seem to think that they're worthless.

It's a lot to think about, what with school and everything. But oh well. Life goes on, the world still spins.